MagneticMediaFed

This is the week. This is what a summer of network boredom hath brought. Starting Monday, we will be inundated with so much new television we’ll start developing a callus on our thumb in that exact location where we grip the fast-forward button on our trusty remote control. For me, this is the week where I fear all of my friendships will begin to dissolve as I focus with hibernation-like intensity on watching just about everything I possibly can. Why do I do this? So you don’t have to. After the jump a day-by-day breakdown of the major players vying for your free-time as well as notes on what I’ll be watching, what I’ll be blogging and what I’ll be skipping…

(Premiere dates in parenthesis)

~MONDAY~

ABC: 8:00pm Dancing With the Stars (Sept. 24) | 9:30pm Samantha Who? (Oct. 15) | The Bachelor (Sept. 24)

I know Dancing With the Stars is a big hit and has proven to be the one show that can go head-to-head with Idol come winter. I’ve tried watching. I just can’t do it. That being said, Mark Cuban is on this season and that intrigues me. The man has, after all, made a billion dollars and may very well own the Chicago Cubs by this time next year. Verdict: watch the highlights Fridays on The Soup.

Samantha Who? is one of my favorite new comedies of the year and ABC’s best bet at creating a popular sitcom after what seems like years of futility. The series has it’s problems, but most of those can be glossed over with Christina Applegate’s charm and charisma on-screen. Verdict: watch it (unless you’re a super manly man and have no room in your uber-heterosexual lifestyle for romantic comedy).

The Bachelor has its fans. It has to. The show is going into its 11th season. I, however, am not one of them. There is only room in my diet for one dating competition and that one goes to the geeks. Verdict: skip it.

CBS: 8:00pm How I Met Your Mother (Sept. 24) | 8:30pm Big Bang Theory (Sept. 24) | 9:00pm Two and a Half Men (Sept. 24) | Rules of Engagement (Sept. 24) | 10:00pm CSI: Miami (Sept. 24)

How I Met Your Mother is great and if you still haven’t realized this you are completely hopeless and worthy of pity. Plus, the series started a website that is counting down until Barney is issued his last slap. Verdict: watch it.

As for the rest of CBS’s Monday night comedy line-up, it’s probably best to just flip the channel once HIMYM (pronounced Hi, Mim!) is over so that we don’t encourage them. Big Bang Theory, Two and a Half Men and Rules of Attraction do nothing to add to the art of television aside from guaranteeing work to Jon Cryer, David Spade and Johnny Galecki. Verdict: skip them all.

CSI: Miami. “What we have here is a show…” Rick puts on his sunglasses, “I won’t be watching.” Cue: Roger Daltrey’s scream. Verdict: really, what’s the point?

NBC: 8:00pm Chuck (Sept. 24) | 9:00pm Heroes (Sept. 24) | 10:00pm Journeyman (Sept. 24)

Perhaps it’s because I missed out on The OC (don’t call it that) – especially during it’s first and apparently best season — but I’m trying to correct this by giving my full support to both Josh Schwartz produced series this fall starting with Chuck. I liked the pilot fine and have read that it gets better with age. That’s what I like to hear. Verdict: record it.

I’m of the opinion that Heroes wasn’t nearly as successful as NBC would have us all believe. Billed as “the biggest new hit of 2006” (which I’d imagine a lot of the crew from Ugly Betty would like to take issue with), Heroes has its fans, but hardly found itself in the Nielsen top 10 (and rarely the top 20) show. Add this to their absolutely abysmal finale last spring and you have one completely uninterested TV-Blogger. Verdict: if you must (though we WILL be covering it here regardless).

Journeyman is an OK hour of television, but to watch it again the following week? Eh. Verdict: record the pilot, then bail.

FOX: 8:00pm Prison Break (Sept. 17) | 9:00pm K-Ville (Sept. 17)

Wait a minute. Didn’t they escape from prison two seasons ago? Verdict: skip it.

K-Ville presents itself as having so many things in its favor you’re able to forgive those aspects that seem to be driving it into the ground. Personally, I like the premise and Anthony Anderson too much to jump ship after one episode. Verdict: ride this one out.

The CW: 8:00pm Everybody Hates Chris (Oct. 1) | 8:30pm Aliens in America (Oct. 1) | 9:00pm Girlfriends (Oct. 1) | 9:30pm The Game (Oct. 1)

Last season I really fell in love with Everybody Hates Chris. Unfortunately, it has the problem of being on a smaller network in a timeslot against an all around better comedy. If there has every been a made-for-DVR show it’s this one. I can imagine that is exactly what network executives don’t want to hear. Alas. Verdict: record it.

I haven’t seen Aliens in America yet. I hear it’s pretty good. That’s enough for me. It should fit well with Chris and make for an easy block of programming to record. Verdict: fire up the DVR.

Who am I trying to kid? Girlfriends and The Game are not targeted at me. I’m sure they’re great shows in their own way and perhaps in an alternate universe where I’m a middle-aged black woman I’ll be able to vouch for that. Verdict: Uh….

~TUESDAY~

ABC: 8:00pm Cavemen (Oct. 2) | 8:30pm Carpoolers (Oct. 2) | Dancing with the Stars 9:00pm (Results) | 10:00pm Boston Legal (Sept. 25)

Cavemen is shit. Verdict: skip it OR watch it because it’s one of the great train wrecks in recent television history.

I didn’t care for the Carpoolers pilot when I watched it several months back. I do like the idea, however. This is a classic case of a series that shows enough promise to give a couple episodes of leeway, but also one that you shouldn’t lose sleep over bailing on. Verdict: two episodes, maybe three.

I’m sure Boston Legal is a fine show. I’m all about witty lawyers as much as the next guy, but I also understand there are only so many hours in the week and really there’s no point in starting the show now, right? Verdict: skip it.

CBS: 8:00pm NCIS (Sept. 25) | 9:00pm The Unit (Sept. 25) | 10:00pm Cane (Sept. 25)

Is NCIS the cop show with the goth chick? Yeah? OK. Verdict: skip it.

If the average Earth day were 30 hours instead of 24 I’d certainly make time in my schedule for The Unit. I like Mamet. I like Shawn Ryan. I like the premise and I’m sure I’d more or less like the show. Unfortunately, Earth has yet to slow its rotation so there just isn’t time to watch this one. I will add, however, that in a future where all television programming has stopped (maybe like a nuclear war or a really intense writers strike), The Unit would be moved up in my Netflix queue. Verdict: pass.

I wanted to like Cane. I really did. I wanted to see a show with some Latin faces on broadcast television. I like Jimmy Smits – remember him in the Star Wars prequels? Yeah, he was the one wearing the space-robe. Cane, as it turns out, is really boring – and not in a good Tell Me You Love Me sort of way. Verdict: skip it.

NBC: 8:00pm The Singing Bee (Oct. 2) | 8:30pm The Biggest Loser (Sept. 11) | 10:00pm Law and Order: SVU (Sept. 25)

I’m sorry, there is very little room in my life for actual karaoke, and there is zero room in my life for televised karaoke. Though I will add that if we are ever out at a bar that has karaoke and if I’m sufficiently buzzed I will certainly go up there and belt out an awesome rendition of the Spin Doctors’ “Two Princes.” Verdict: hell no.

The Biggest Loser is one of those shows that you think is going to be really exploitative and funny but is ultimately a crier. It’s a show you tune in to so that you can cry with joy at everyone losing weight before ultimately crying yourself to sleep because you just wolfed down a bag and a half of sea salt kettle chips while laying on your couch watching other people lose weight. If I’m going to cry at reality TV, it’s going to be while watching young kids do manual labor. Verdict: skip it.

I’m sorry, I can’t watch a show that can abbreviate itself thusly: L&O:SVU. I just can’t do it. Verdict: to what end? To what end?

FOX: 8:00pm Bones (Sept. 25) | 9:00pm House (Sept. 25)

Remember what I said about The Unit? Well strike that and replace it with both Bones and House. I’ve heard nothing but good things about these shows but they always end up on the short end of the DVR – especially House. Verdict: if you have the time… watch them. I, regrettably, don’t have the time.

The CW: 8:00pm Beauty and the Geek (Sept. 18) | 9:00pm Reaper (Sept. 25)

I’ve fallen in love with the geeks. Though to be fair, they aren’t all geeks. There are certainly some dweebs and spazzes in the mix as well. Verdict: record it.

If you’re going to watch one show about a guy who works at a big-box store and is also a spy then watch Chuck. If you’re going to watch one show about a guy who works at a big-box store and is a mercenary for the devil then by all means make sure that show is Reaper. Reaper is thoroughly entertaining television. Also, based on the pilot it appears it will more or less follow a monster-of-the-week format making it easy to jump in if you miss an episode or two. Did I mention it’s funny? Verdict: watch it.

~WEDNESDAY~

ABC: 8:00pm Pushing Daisies (Oct. 3) | 9:00pm Private Practice (Sept. 26) | 10:00pm Dirty Sexy Money (Sept. 26)

Maybe you’ve heard of Pushing Daisies by now. Maybe you’ve heard it is THE new show to watch. You’ve heard correctly. You have very good hearing. I can’t speak for anything outside of the pilot, but that one episode is as good as most Hollywood movies (probably better). Whether it can keep it up is another question altogether. It’s certainly worth sticking around for to find out. Verdict: DON’T MISS.

I don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy. Grey’s Anatomy took a bit of a downturn last season according to friends. Private Practice is a Grey’s spinoff. Therefore, I won’t be watching Private Practice. That’s what we used to call in geometry class “a proof.” I win, Ms. Carter. I win! Verdict: pass.

Isn’t Peter Krause dreamy? Yes. Wasn’t Arrested Development funny? Yes. If Peter Krause and his dreaminess was in Arrested Development in the Henry Winkler role but the series were a dramedy instead of a comedy wouldn’t it be fun to watch? Yes? Yes. Verdict: watch it.

CBS: 8:00pm Kid Nation (Sept. 19) | 9:00pm Criminal Minds (Sept. 26) | 10:00pm CSI: New York (Sept. 26)

A lot of people were turned off when Kid Nation premiered last week and didn’t result in the murder of an eight-year-old. These are probably the same people who rent Faces of Death at Kim’s. The rest of us were reminded of why being a kid was so great and simultaneously so awful. Verdict: watch it.

In a blind taste-test four out of five people thought they were watching NCIS and CSI: Miami when given Criminal Minds and CSI: New York. This is because all of these shows are completely interchangeable. Eli Whitney would be very proud. Verdict: skip ‘em.

NBC: 8:00pm Deal or No Deal (Sept. 17) | 9:00pm Bionic Woman (Sept. 26) | 10:00pm Life (Sept. 26)

America’s appetite for morons pointing never ceases to amaze me (or keeps from sucking me in whenever I happen to accidentally catch it). And Howie Mandel? Really? Verdict: I don’t even know anymore.

In the original pilot for the Bionic Woman remake the titular robot woman had a deaf sister played by Mae Whitman (her?). This is no longer the case, and makes me a little sad. As for the show itself, I found it to be a tad too… um… silly? I know, I know, it’s a show about a robot woman. Still, Battlestar Galactica went from being a piece of cheesy sci-fi pap, to one of the more culturally significant pieces of entertainment this decade. Verdict: give it two episodes before you decide.

I haven’t seen Life as of this writing. I hear the pilot is far better than the premise, which has to do a cop who returns to the police force after being wrongly imprisoned for years. Verdict: I’m not expecting a life sentence for me on this one, but I’ll certainly watch the first few weeks to find out.

FOX: 8:00pm Back To You (Sept. 19) | 8:30pm ‘Til Death (Sept. 19) | 9:00pm Kitchen Nightmares (Sept. 19)

In this, the year of our lord, 2007, I just don’t have the stomach for three-camera situation comedies that are not called How I Met Your Mother. I’m sorry. Maybe this makes me short-sighted and not looking at the big picture, but there are only so many times you can hear set-up, punch line, add-on before you want to rip your eyes out and chuck them at a studio audience. Verdict: skip ‘em.

No one loves chef-based television entertainment more than I. That being said, Kitchen Nightmares is just awful. It has far less to do with how to run a successful restaurant that it does how to scream like a banshee and bleep curse words so that we still know what is being said. Verdict: skip it.

The CW: 8:00pm America’s Next Top Model (Sept. 19) | 9:00pm Gossip Girl (Sept. 19)

We’re in the middle of Top Model’s 9th season. I find this more or less shocking on a variety of levels. Personally, I’m not able to watch Top Model when it airs because my TV just isn’t big enough to capture Tyra Bank’s entire ego. Verdict: catch the highlights on The Soup.

Do you like to watch beautiful young people do scandalous things on television? Me too! We should totally grab cosmos and talk about it! Plus, there’s a very saucy Kristin Bell providing narration. Verdict: Gossip Girl get’s my “biggest surprise of fall ‘07” award. Watch it.

~THURSDAY~

ABC: 8:00pm Ugly Betty (Sept. 27) | 9:00pm Grey’s Anatomy (Sept. 27) | 10:00pm Big Shots (Sept. 27)

Ugly Betty is one of those shows that I kept recording last season despite the fact that I was never all that thrilled about watching it. By winter hiatus I found myself behind about seven episodes. Sometime in January I caught up and was a better person for it. It’s a pretty great show. The serialized elements are amped up to ridiculous levels keeping with its telenovela roots, and the supporting cast (primarily Marc and Amanda) are brilliant. Verdict: watch it.

Many people said Grey’s started to tank last season. I don’t know if this is true, because it is not a show I watch. That being said, we here at MagneticMediaFed have put someone on the beat to keep us filled in on this year’s trajectory. Verdict: whatever you did last season, do that again this season.

No one wants to see a series about a group of entitled, rich, assholes. Fact: checked. Big Shots is just awful. Verdict: skip it.

CBS: 8:00pm Survivor (Sept. 20) | 9:00pm CSI (Sept. 27) | 10:00pm Without A Trace (Sept. 27)

This is the 15th season for Survivor since it fundamentally changed broadcast television seven years ago. As one who has never really had much interest in the competition, I find this kind of amazing. What exactly is it that brings people back every six months to see new faces doing the same thing the old ones did just a few weeks prior? Whatever it is, it’s clearly working. Unlike a lot of the other reality competitions that have fizzled out (I’m looking at you Donald Trump), there is something about this formula that ensures an audience. I guess that deserves a fair amount of respect. Verdict: I won’t be watching, but who am I to argue with the fans?

What if people never get tired of CSI. What if it just keeps going forever and ever. What then? Years from now when we look back at the significant cultural achievements of our society will the future humans deduce our only contribution was the ability to zoom in on a bullet hole to reveal carpet fibers? God I hope not. Verdict: skip it.

I don’t even know what Without A Trace is about and it’s going into its sixth season. OK, sure, some simple deduction would suggest that it deals with people who have disappeared without a trace, but maybe the show is about a comic book inker? I don’t know. It could be. Verdict: skip it.

NBC: 8:00pm My Name Is Earl (Sept. 27) | 8:30pm 30 Rock (Oct. 4) | 9:00pm The Office (Sept. 27) | 9:30pm Scrubs (Oct. 25) | 10:00pm ER (Sept. 27)

I decided last week that I’m going to start watching My Name Is Earl. My early complaint about the show was that there was never any progression by the characters, but last season seems to have corrected this problem. I still stand by my earlier feeling that the show is probably funnier on the page than on the screen, but I’m willing to give it another shot. Verdict: record it.

30 Rock has more laughs in it than anything else on television. Unless you’re a robot you should probably tune in, and if you happen to be a Nielsen household watch it when it airs… please! Verdict: watch it!

The Office is entering a very crucial season. It is now in syndication on TBS (which is kind of shocking), and its major audience-friendly plot point (Pam + Jim) might have jumped the shark. Whether they can keep it all together (especially following a very strong previous season) will be as much fun to watch as the show itself. Verdict: don’t miss.

Ever since Scrubs inked a syndication deal that ensured it to be on every channel all day long for the remainder of measurable human time I have decided the only course of action is to just stick my head in the sand and pray that it goes away. On a related note: how does a consistently under-performing situation comedy get seven seasons anyway? Verdict: run!

Is George Clooney still on this show? He should be! Now that’s what I call a star! Verdict: still?

FOX: 8:00pm Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? (Sept. 6) | 9:00pm Don’t Forget the Lyrics (Sept. 6)

I think I can field this one. Yes, and OK. Verdict: skip ‘em.

The CW: 8:00pm Smallville (Sept. 27) | 9:00pm Supernatural (Oct. 4)

Representing a couple of the last holdovers from the UPN/WB merger a few years back, Smallville and Supernatural have their fans. I’m not one of them, but that’s mostly due to the fact that I didn’t get in on the ground floor. I suspect many people fall into this category. Those who do watch, should. Verdict: let your heart be your guide.

~FRIDAY~

ABC: 8:00pm 20/20 (Oct. 12) | 9:00pm Women’s Murder Club (Oct. 12) | 10:00pm Men In Trees (Oct. 12)

One time I got Jon Stossel to sign a proof-copy of his book “Give Me A Break” at a Barnes and Noble. Now that’s a ‘stache to write home about! I guess he’s still on 20/20, right? Verdict: skip it.

Earlier in the summer I watched the pilot for Women’s Murder Club. It was pretty silly – notably the notion of a coroner, a homicide detective, a lawyer and a reporter who all meet up at secret locations to solve crimes. Now if one of them were a circus performer or worked at a steel mill, well then that would be on to something. Verdict: skip it.

As for Men In Trees, I’m hardly the target demographic, but from the episodes I’ve seen I have to admit the show has its charms. If I were ten years older, had a couple kids, and was a woman, I could see it being a decent way to spend an hour sometime over the weekend. Verdict: record it (or not).

CBS: 8:00pm Ghost Whisperer (Sept. 28) | 9:00pm Moonlight (Sept. 28) | 10:00pm Numb3rs (Sept. 28)

Does it strike anyone else as odd that the “youngest” night on CBS’s slate is Friday, the one night each week when young people probably aren’t going to be watching television? That is unless they’re trying to target those kids who can’t yet drive and find themselves either stuck at home or at a high school football game with all the kids they hate. In that case, I guess it makes sense. Start things off with the pretty Jennifer Love, then throw in a vampire detective and end with nerds solving crimes. Maybe they do know what they’re doing over there.
Ghost Whisperer and Numb3rs aren’t for me. Verdict: skip ‘em. Moonlight is new. It’s pilot has been given the once-and-twice over this past summer and was finally made available to critics in the middle of this past week. It’s still sitting on my desk. I hope to get to it sometime in the middle of this week if time permits. I didn’t watch Angel, but from what I can tell this show is basically the same but about a different vampire. I’m willing to give it a couple episodes to find out. Verdict: record it.

NBC: 8:00pm Deal or No Deal (Sept. 28) | 9:00pm Friday Night Lights (Oct. 5) | 10:00pm Las Vegas (Sept. 28)

Look. Forget Deal or No Deal. Forget Las Vegas. Those shows don’t matter. Friday Night Lights does. Friday Night Lights is great television despite the fact that there is a plot development in the season premiere that could potentially ruin the show. I hope this does not happen because aside from that one element the premiere is pretty much flawless and awesome (and uses “Muzzle of Bees” by Wilco to great effect). But if this one troubling arc does in fact ruin this, my favorite show on network television, you at least want to be able to say “I remember it when…” Verdict: WATCH THIS SHOW. WATCH IT.

FOX: 8:00pm Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? (Sept. 14-Oct. 5) / The Next Great American Band (Oct. 19) | 9:00pm Nashville (Sept. 14)

The real question here is if anyone has the desire to see the assembling of yet another musical group on television – on a Friday night. I suspect the answer to be no. Verdict: skip it.

As for Nashville, it’s been on for two weeks and has been absolutely slaughtered in the ratings. I had taped the first but never watched it assuming it would ultimately be cancelled. It’s a reality-soap brought to us by the creators of Laguna Beach. While I liked what they did with Rollergirls a few years back, I’m not terribly surprised this one hasn’t attracted an audience. Verdict: does it matter?

~SATURDAY~

College Football. Various versions of Dateline, 48 Hours, etc. reruns. Cops. Verdict: go outside; reintroduce yourself to your friends and family.

~SUNDAY~

ABC: 7:00pm America’s Funniest Home Videos (Oct. 7) | 8:00pm Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (Sept. 30) | 9:00pm Desperate Housewives (Sept. 30) | 10:00pm Brothers and Sisters (Sept. 30)

Fact: AFV has been on the air since I was nine. How do we feel about this? I mean collectively, as a society? Is this a good thing? Verdict: go to YouTube instead.

Week in and week out Extreme Makeover is able to find a more depressing and sad family than it had the previous week. This is a testament to America’s ability to use these family’s emotions for ratings (and home improvements). Verdict: skip it.

Man, those cougars are still at it! Way to go, ladies. Verdict: watch it.

Until Sally Field started rambling on and on at the Emmys last week I was certain this show had been cancelled about eight months ago. Apparently it hasn’t. Let’s see if we can correct this. Verdict: skip it (for all I know this is a really good show. Call me a traditionalist, but Sunday night is cable night).

CBS: 7:00pm 60 Minutes (Sept. 23) | 8:00pm Viva Laughlin (Oct. 21) | 9:00pm Cold Case (Sept. 23) | 10:00pm Shark (Sept. 23)

Real quick: 60 Minutes is really great television journalism. Always has been. Verdict: record it.

Cold Case is more of that CBS crime nonsense that I refuse to endorse. Verdict: skip it.

Shark is actually pretty good the few times I’ve tuned in, which is saying something since I hate, Hate, HATE James Woods. Verdict: record it.

Now, if you take any of my advice, take this piece of information and file it away in a part of your brain that is easily retrievable: you have not experienced bad television until you’ve seen Melanie Griffith break out into Blondie’s “One Way Or Another” in the middle of CBS’s new wreck of show Viva Laughlin. It is so astoundingly bad, all I can say is check out the first episode. You’ll never watch again, but at least you’ll know what you’re not missing. Verdict: watch once… then run!

NBC: Sunday Night Football

Verdict: Go Jets?

FOX: 8:00pm The Simpsons (Sept. 23) | 8:30pm King of the Hill (Sept. 23) | 9:00pm Family Guy (Sept. 23) | 9:30pm American Dad (Sept. 30)

It’s kind of hard to mess with a well-proven formula — especially when the characters don’t age. Verdict: Watch The Simpsons and King of the Hill. I don’t care what people say, those two shows continue to deliver. Don’t watch Family Guy and American Dad. Look, I know Family Guy is extremely popular, but American Dad? How is that still on the air? They don’t even try to differentiate between the two.

The CW: 7:00pm CW Now (Sept. 23) | 7:30pm Online Nation (Sept. 23) | 8:00pm Life is Wild (Oct. 7) | 9:00pm America’s Next Top Model (Encores)

Um. Somebody watch these shows and let me know what they are. I honestly don’t care to find out. Verdict: isn’t there something better on cable?

* * *

So that’s it. That’s the list. That is also what several hours of a Sunday look like if you’re keeping score at home.

Now you know what I’m excited for, how about you? What tops your list?

Tags: Fall TV Preview

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