“The Hills” — You Know What You Did + Big Girls Don’t Cry
Like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like.
OK. A couple things. Last summer I called this show “morally bankrupt” and while that certainly may still be true, perhaps I didn’t appreciate it for what it really was: a fascinating look at how girls (not all girls, but certainly some) interact with one another. There’s also the fact that 80% of the cast is comprised of people so incredibly stupid, it’s really hard to look away, and even harder to not get caught up in the double-underline “drama.” So I’m giving it another shot. More after the jump…
Since I missed the second season, Lauren was kind enough to deliver a recap: in short, she broke up with Jason (a poor-man’s Colin Ferrel) who I always thought was a total tool, rumors flew about an alleged sex tape, Heidi and Spencer moved in together, and Lauren and Heidi are on the outs. I would also learn, quite quickly and from my own observations that, yes, Spencer might be the most annoying man on the planet. Not annoying like Urkel, but annoying in his every detail. He has the voice of a retarded surfer. The hair of a melted troll doll. The face of Chucky. He’s like someone magically brought a Ken doll to life and then proceeded to punch it in the face for a half hour with a fish. Spencer, as you may have guessed, is not endorsed by the staff of MagneticMediaFed.com. Watching him not only makes me feel stupid, but it makes me feel like his presence is making my television stupid.
The highlights of these first two episodes which MTV was kind enough to air back to back (though jerk-face enough to have run over about four minutes and not bothering to tell the kind people at the cable company who program the DVR guide) was the big Lauren/Heidi confrontation, which was brilliant in its intensity and hilarious in its “if you don’t know I’m certainly not going to tell you” sitcomfoolery, and then the Spencer/Heidi engagement which might have been the least romantic thing I’ve ever witnessed despite the following: beach, sunset, Hope Diamond-esque ring. Note to self, when I propose to my first wife (I’m sure there’ll be many) don’t go with the line, “So here’s this thing I bought.” Well, unless I’m proposing to an idiot. Then it just… might… work.
I know this is sounding like I don’t like this show (and I don’t), but there is a definite charm. Perhaps it doesn’t work the same way if you’re a guy because you see everything from the guy’s perspective — which in this particular world is kind of like looking into an aquarium where all the fish have this weird amalgamation of every hot trend from the past 30 years of male popular culture and yet someone are only able to come off as kids dressing up for a stage production of Rent… but, y’know, fish.
Take Audrina’s new beau Justin (please!… haha), he wears a cool-guy stocking cap and yet somehow manages to also have Emo Phillips hair circa 1983. He kind of looks like the worst mime ever, and yet this incredibly beautiful and wholly vapid lady just can’t get enough of his mystique (it’s always the mystique… right?).
Of the characters on the show, only Lauren and Heidi have a discernible personality. Especially compared to Whitney. Whenever she speaks I’m shocked. I always thought there wasn’t sound in a vacuum (oooooooh, snap!). Seriously though, she’s thoughtless. You can see her mind working and get the sense it’s 100% dedicated to simple motor skills.
I could go on, and in the coming weeks I probably will. The trick to appreciating The Hills, as I’ve slowly come to realize, is tricking yourself into thinking its either completely scripted or completely real. The second you start trying to figure out where the line is in the sand the scarier everything suddenly becomes. You just have to sit back, enjoy the cat-fights, and laugh.
August 14th, 2007 at 9:49 am
That description of Spencer the Pratt might have come close to capturing just how much I loathe him.
And was I the “Spencer Sucks” away message? Or did someone steal my away message?
I just hate that Spencer.