MagneticMediaFed

A genius.

Nothing makes me smile wider than the Whitney, Whaaaaat-face. The question, “What?” is uttered by people all over this planet of ours millions of times a day, and yet only Whitney seems to fully grasp the absence of answers that “What?” truly suggests. A full breakdown of Monday’s episode after the jump…

For the first time since the season started we were treated to an episode almost entirely about Lauren. Because of this, I’m going to start things off by dealing with the small, though significant, Heidi side of the story.

Toward the beginning of the episode Heidi is approached by Elodie (is that short for something? Elodonkus, maybe?) and told how she will be trying to get the new job that has opened up at Bolthouse productions. It was a brilliant scene because you could actually see liquid resentment built up behind Heidi’s eyes. You just know she was thinking, “There’s no way in hell this bitch who has been here a year longer than I is going to get this job that is so perfect for me… and has an office!”

The comic relief kicked in a few moments later when she tells all of this to Spencer as he sits on the couch [natch] with a Macbook on his lap and a Blackberry in his hands. How this man isn’t pushing 700 pounds and pock-marked is really a wonder of modern laziness. This will be Spencer’s only scene this week. From this I’m led to deduce that all of the Heidi apartment scenes from the past two weeks were shot in one big batch, OR Spencer and that couch have ceased being two separate beings but instead have fused together into some sort of worthless X-Man. I would wager that if you added up the total screen time this idiot-man-child has been seen on the couch being unproductive over the course of this season you could probably have 22 minutes for your own spin-off show.

Here’s where I’m probably going to lose some people. I’m glad Heidi got the job and Elodie did not. Why? Because Heidi actually went after the job, whereas Elodie was just hoping the job would come to her because she was next in line. The Hills has a lot of drama that at best should be considered “realistic” (both quoted and italicized), but this whole storyline was brutally honest (even if it was, well, staged). In real life, you don’t get ahead unless you’re willing to put yourself out there — sometimes at the detriment of co-workers. I respect Heidi for this because she is able to do something I am not able to do: burn bridges.

When Elodie goes to congratulate Heidi in her new office she clearly wants to commit a homicide. “I didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes,” says Heidi, and yet she did. Obviously. This is why Heidi is brilliant and everyone else on this show is more or less idiotic. Now if only she’d realize Spencer is dead weight. Perhaps she can hook up with Derek.

Speaking of Derek, on the Lauren side of things the big revelation was that Jason (cue: thunder and lightening) wanted to meet up. This led to a Godot-like build-up over the course of the episode as Lauren tried to figure out how, exactly, to keep this guy a part of her past and not so much her future. Of course, unlike Godot Jason eventually shows up, but we’ll get to that in a minute. First: Derek.

Derek is a friend of Jerret, who is Lauren and Audrina’s personal trainer. As someone who has complained that every guy on this show is portrayed as a roided-up surf-jock with the personality of a bank statement, I have to say Derek won me over from the get-go. If anything, I love his fiscal sense. Yes, why buy a shirt for forty bucks when you can get one for forty cents? It’s simple economics. This, however, did not seem to be the type of thing that wins over Lauren as she looked absolutely mortified by his revelation. Note to self: when hitting on LC, avoid the thrift shop even if they have the coolest t-shirts.

Later that night everyone is out at Lola enjoying cocktails. Here, Derek, who is more or less completely charming and personality-plus, commits the first date sin of saying too much: “I like you more than any girl I’ve ever met.” Sure, it’s a little strong, but he did opt for the weaker of the two L words. It was hardly a boil-your-bunny scenario. Lauren went ahead and sent off the psycho flares and ran for her life. Lauren is an idiot.

Hey Derek, if you ever want to hang out sometime, call me. We’ll hit the vintage stores.

Then came the obligatory on-again detailings of the Audrina/Justin/Bobby/Justin-Bobby soap that I can’t imagine anyone still cares about. Long story short, he said, “I’m sorry” (which he never says) and so now they’re back together — in a much as two people on a motorcycle can be together. I suspect next week he’ll leave her stranded somewhere again — because that’s how he builds mystique!

Jason and Lauren finally meet up at a coffee shop. Jason seems far less of a dick this time around (though I never watched the second season), and maybe even a tad sympathetic. The purpose for the meet-up, after all, had little to do with his desire to get back together and far more to do with “working the program” (remember, Lauren said he was in rehab) — Make a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all; Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Sounds straight forward enough. Way to go Jason, you Colin Farrell looking mother-flipper.

* * *

MagneticMediaFed reader, Hills fan and all around cool person Kim wrote in last night to ask the following questions:

how can justin bobby be cged as audrina’s ex, if he won’t ever commit to dating her?

why is audrina always wearing black tank tops?

After some intensive research I think I have found the answers to those questions. First, Justin/Bobby/Justin-Bobby won’t be labeled. He can’t be, and yet the obvious labeling of the on-screen titles seems to suggest otherwise. The only solution has to be that he cut a deal with MTV allowing them to call him Audrina’s ex in lieu of their first choice: asshat.

As for the second question, a simple Google search reveals that Audrina is physically unable to wear sleeves due to an ultra rare skin condition that gives her horrible taste in men. The disease is called, “Epojackassioitia” and claims the lives of dozens of people every decade.

Next week: an entitled character will have a bad relationship experience!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 11th, 2007 at 1:33 pm and is filed under MTV, The Hills. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.