MagneticMediaFed

Heidi: genius.

Oh Audrina, what does Justin/Bobby/Justin-Bobby have to do to get you to realize he’s a complete disaster? Push you from his motorcycle while driving down the freeway? I swear I haven’t seen someone this delusional since that pizza guy thought “a big tip” meant a couple extra bucks at the beginning of “Suburban Slumber Sluts 8” (um… it was on cable).

This is a totally random observation, but has it struck anyone else that the exterior of the Bolthouse Offices that Heidi works at in Hollywood look striking similar to the New Zealand consulate office that Murray works at in Flight of the Conchords? Because they totally do. Moving on…

It’s always weird when you’re listening to a song over and over and then it shows up on a soundtrack to something you watch with regularity. “Boys Don’t Cry” by The Cure has been in heavy rotation on my iPod for about month, so when it was used to bridge the scene with Heidi at at work and Audrina in that magical bamboo garden (or wherever it was) I had to think, “nice work, kids!” OK Rick, enough with the dilly and the dally, let’s get to the meat.

Heidi is clearly pissed that Brody and Lauren are “hangin out” and by hanging out I mean “hooking up” (but by “hooking up” I’m not entirely sure what I mean). Spencer seems equally as annoyed. I knew this because at the time Spencer was wearing his “angry goatee.”

Whitney’s existence in life makes me laugh. I keep thinking she’s going to start explaining to Lauren why most U.S. Americans don’t have maps. Whenever the two of them converse I always worry that Lauren will say something perhaps a tad too stellar and it will cause Whitney’s circuits to overload and then get all melty-faced like Haley-Joel in “A.I.” Worse case scenario she’s rushed to the emergency room “with a case of bad vibe…”

So, OF COURSE Justin/Bobby/Justin-Bobby drives a white El Camino. He has to. The laws of nature demand it. Think about it. If you saw Justin/Bobby/Justin-Bobby driving down the street in a late model Taurus you’d think to yourself, “Now that’s just silly.” Seeing the long lost member of Pearl Jam circa 1993 in an El Camino, however, is completely logical. Not just logical, but necessary. Thank you Justin/Bobby/Justin-Bobby for living up to your own stereotype. Is it any wonder this man hates labels? Certainly not. You can’t put a label on Justin/Bobby/Justin-Bobby. He’s no woman’s “boyfriend.” He defies categorization – this of course makes him the easiest of all the male species to categorize: he’s a douchebag.

Spencer on the other hand is an aboslute catch. How often in life can you find a guy that will sit on his ass and watch YouTube videos while his ladyfriend folds towels three feet away? Then when said ladyfriend asks for some help goes out of his way to not only do nothing, but to make sure she realizes that he’s going out of his way to do nothing. If Spencer and Justin/Bobby/Justin-Bobby mated (and you know deep down they’d really like to) the resulting human would have so much lazy-testosterone-fueled-misguided-male-independence it might just destroy the very fabric of space and time. Please, America… keep this from happening.

Outside of the vauge suggestion that Lauren and Brody got busy in his condo (maybe just busy clearning, or playing Monopoly) the only real significant revelation came during the lunch between Jenn and Heidi at a restaurant called Doughboys (which absolutely has to be metaphorical, right?). When the two first meet up Heidi gives a cheery, “You look so different!” Yes… different. Perhaps you’d both like to talk about it. Once that awkwardness is out of the way, Heidi finally spills the beans that it was Brody who started the rumors about Lauren, the rumors that destroyed their relationship. If she’s to be believed (and really, being the only sane person on this show, why shouldn’t she be) that means Lauren lost her best friend over nothing and is now rolling with the… OH I GET IT! “Rolling with the Enemy!” Very clever producers of The Hills. Very clever.

Again, Heidi is the hero in this story, despite the fact that her nemesis is narrating the whole damn thing. I know I missed season two and there was probably a hellova lot of drama to be had, but anyone who doesn’t see Heidi as the victim is tragically short sighted. And really, as far as Lauren is concerned, it comes down to what have you done for me lately?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 4th, 2007 at 1:15 pm and is filed under MTV, The Hills. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.