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Ryan Seacrest, who’s only real talent, it seems, is his uncanny ability to keep a live event on time clearly doesn’t run as tight of a ship as we all thought. My DVR cut out before the Best Comedy and Best Drama awards were announced (though I guess we can hardly blame the guy entirely, as once the open wrapped he was barely seen. No complaints here, I suppose, though it would have been nice to see Tina Fey’s 30 Rock speech. Aside from missing the ending, I have to say, if you’re going to watch an award show, tape it. Exercising the ol’ four-arrow fast-forward during the endless mini-series/TV movie awards is an absolute blessing. I got through the entire three hours in about 50 minutes.

And speaking of miniseries. Their awards take up so much of this show and yet I have never met anyone who has actually watched one. More after the jump…

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Let’s face it, this is a meaningless award, and tonight’s broadcast is going to be hosted by Ryan Seacrest, a man whose sole talent appears to be keeping live television events from running over their allotted time slot. (Well, except for that one time) Does this really necessitate excessive, minute-by-minute commentary? Granted, anytime you get a room full of celebrities there is the chance something moderately crazy could happen. But this isn’t the Oscars with its lavish productions and A-list guests. And this isn’t the Grammys where there’s a high probability that someone will either curse, set something on fire, or dance shirtless around Bob Dylan.

No, this is the Emmys, an award so meaningless its academy’s members haven’t the slightest idea just how important the medium is that they’re suppose to be rewarding. How else can we justify the complete snub of a series like The Wire, or even the near snub of such critical favorites as Friday Night Lights, The Riches, or Deadwood.

Honestly, thinking about the notion that Two and a Half Men could actually win “Best Comedy” makes my heart break and my mind melt.

So I will not be blogging about it tonight, despite the fact that I probably should — I just can’t encourage this sort of behavior. Instead, check back tomorrow for hasty recaps and general reprimending. Tonight, watch something worthwhile… like, Tell Me You Love Me (even though you’ve said you already hate it… at least it’s 100% Seacreast Free!).

Or go bowling. That’s what I’ll be doing.

Last Saturday my roommate and I sat down and watch all four episodes of the HBO Documentary/Reality/Commerical Floyd/Mayweather 24/7. For those who weren’t down with the series (and I wasn’t one until early Saturday evening) it was a four week, all-access presentation of Floyd Mayweather and Oscar De La Hoya as the two trained for the title fight against one another Saturday night (on HBO Pay-Per-View).

The series was endlessly fascinating, not just because it showed both contenders training and all of the drama and storylines associated with that training, but because as the episodes went on we would see the two actually watching the program and responding to it. 24/7 wasn’t produced ahead of time, it was shot, edited and aired in about as close to real time as the medium allows. More details after the break…

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I wonder why one of these people is crying?

It’s kind of hard to slam a show trying to do good, but I’m going to try anyway. Though I must add that I did not watch the show in its entirety — did anyone?

First, the telethon. I watched the following segments: Jack Black, Ben Stiller, Annie Lennox, that Stayin’ Alive montage, the creepy Elvis duet, most of what Ellen said, and a few of the Africa Packages. The show seemed kind of bumpy, but I guess if you’re trying to produce The Great American Live Television Event! there will be bumps. I’m not saying that every segment did or didn’t work, but from the moments I watched I did get the feeling that the show seemed far more tolerable than, say, an awards show. Perhaps that’s because the congratulatory attitude was slightly off-set by the general do-gooderness of it all.

Speaking of do-goodery, did it trouble anyone else that someone like Ellen DeGeneres was able to donate $100,000 and that an enormous media company like News Corp. was only giving $5 million. I know, I know, that $5 million is money that the recognized charities didn’t have on Monday, but still the amount of advertising the company has raked in since this show (let alone other shows and media properties) debuted is likely astronomical. Capping your audience match at $5 million just comes off as cheap — or maybe Warren Buffet has ruined charity for everyone. What’s that? You’re giving $5 million, oh well I’m giving $5 billion… Yeah, with a B.

Second the elimination. Look, I think we can all agree that NOT eliminating anyone was about as surprising as a Cheney heart-attack, but the fact that they actually made poor Jordan, who was hands down the best on Tuesday, actually cry is without a doubt one of the crueler tricks the show has ever played. What made it so much worse was that Chris had a mic in his hand the whole time making us think that they were running low on time and that he was going to have to start singing his closing song as soon as the results were known — at least that’s how I read the situation (so I guess the non-elimination was maybe kind of surprising).

Still, why torture Jordan? Especially on a night that was suppose to be uplifting.

Did anyone watch the whole thing? The money goes here.

The brilliance of March Madness on television is that there’s no padding. The Super Bowl is a four hour game stretched over two weeks of nonsensical coverage. The World Series can be up to seven nights in October. Seven nights that admittedly are hard to watch if you aren’t personally invested in the teams. Don’t even get me started on the NBA playoffs — almost THREE months of padding.

March Madness is different because its relentless. Over the course of the next 24 hours, 32 basketball games will be played, and for anyone who hastily filled out a tournament bracket each and every one of those games is important. As a TV event, it translates to a fevered rush of statistics, replays, and buzzer beaters perfectly assembled to hold your attention over two days. No other live sporting event can capture the shear volume of competition delivered in this tournament.

I, frankly, can’t get enough — despite the fact that my bracket is all ready a complete disaster.

As the month progresses, the intensity wanes, especially as people realize their shot at that office pool money slipped out of their grasp long before Penn was eliminated. Still, there are enough games being played we’re rarely just strung along. By the finals the hype is either a natural byproduct of the two teams facing off, or is simply nonexistent.

Plus, when the tournament comes to a close, the baseball season finally gets underway.

Watch opening round games on your computer via CBS Sportsline

I wasn’t going to post about The Oscars because this is a television site, not a film site. Now that the award show is over I’ve realized that’s a pretty stupid way to look at it as The Oscars has very little to do with an Oscar. The other problem is while I did watch most of the ceremony, I watched it on mute as I had to work all of Sunday night. So let me take this opportunity to share some of my thoughts on this, the Super Bowl of Hollywood, based solely on what I was able to SEE and not HEAR (presented in no particular order).

• Ellen, I assume, did a great job as MC. People seem to be enjoying her wit and are finding her both charming and affable. I appreciate that she kept her role fairly low-fi. Low-fi goes a long way in a four-hour production.
• Why the hell did it take what seemed like a lifetime to get to the first award the casual film fan would care about?
• The silhouette/interpretive-thing for the best pictures seemed cool, though by saying it was “cool” I suddenly feel “uncool”
• Will Ferrell looked like he would have made me laugh had I been able to hear what was happening — this is frequently the case with Will Ferrell.
• I was afraid Jennifer Hudson was going to fall out of her dress. Honestly. During her singing performance there was so much jigglin’ I actually said a little prayer for the president of ABC hoping he she wasn’t going to face FCC fines.
• While I didn’t hear it, Forest Whitaker’s speech looked amazing. He also looked like he was going to commit a homicide while walking off stage.
• Martin Scorsese seemed as pleased as punch.
• Thelma Schoonmaker is one classy lady, no?
• Of all of the major awards ceremonies, I think The Academy Awards actually gives out the fewest. If this is true, why does it take so god damn long?
• The graphics they used during the Best Editing presentation was AWESOME (showing three different pieces of film and having each highlighted for the shots they used).
• Is it just me or every year for like the past half-dozen or so has a really really young actress walked home with an award while paired against seasoned vets?

I taped the show and will watch it on fast forward later in the day. We’ll see if my opinions change.

I’ve got a ton of errands to run this morning, but before I do I needed to go ON THE RECORD as saying last night’s halftime show at the Super Bowl was easily the best ever. This is saying a lot as by definition this is a musical presentation that is suppose to appeal to the widest possible audience they can manage, meaning if you do book The Rolling Stones they’re only going to play Satisfaction, Jumpin’ Jack Flash, and Start Me Up. If that isn’t the problem then its a matter of being so unbelievably cheesy its hard for any music fan stomach (look everyone, it’s a surprise appearance by Billy Ray Cyrus!).

Prince was amazing for reasons that included, but weren’t limited to, 1) his ability to play guitar solos like no one else, 2) the fact that it was pouring rain, 3) the visual of him soloing in silhouette so that it looked like he was doing something WAYYY different, 4) he played a Foo Fighters cover(?!), and one more… what was it? Oh yeah. Because he’s god damn PRINCE.

VIDEO OVER AT STEREOGUM

You would not believe how great two and a half weeks of no television can be. It’s crazy. I had all this time to myself and time to spend with friends and family. Needless to say I’m so glad that’s over. Now I can spend most of my waking hours wondering why The Apprentice is still on the air or who could possibly be watching the TV Guide Channel. This, my friends, is the sweet life, and I’m happy to be back.

Now back to business.

When America wasn’t watching twenty-four hours of “A Christmas Story” or a stellar Arrested Development marathon on G4, it seemed to be dedicating a good portion of the past couple weeks to digesting as much football as it could possibly muster. This is a good thing. For one, narrative television can only get you so far and after four months of cliffhangers and next-time-ons we all could use a break. Second, football is just about the perfect televised sport (”just about” because no sport caters to broadcasting commercials like baseball). Over the past five or six years the producers of televised football (most notably FOX, ESPN and CBS) have gone to great lengths to make the sport’s presentation more video game-esque. First it was the magical first-down line that they keyed onto the field. Then came the zip-line camera making select plays seem incrementally more awesome. Add to that an endless supply of camera angles, slo-mo instant replays, super-slo-mo not-so-instant replays, on field directional arrows, on-line play and rumble-pack compatibility. Also, my sources indicate that Madden 07’s very own John Madden may in fact make a future appearance on CBS’s football coverage (which is SWEET!).

Luckily for us, there has been no shortage of good football to watch. First Boise State trick-played the hell out of the Oklahoma Sooners at the Fiesta Bowl, AND THEN the Dallas Cowboys squandered a game they should have won against the Seattle Seahawks in a fantastically sloppy NFL playoff game (and a game that will likely reduce the hotness of quarterback Tony Romo’s dates by a power of 10).

The television industry has been spiraling out of control (especially on the networks) for a couple years now, desperately trying to figure out how they’re going to continue to get paid. Hell, I’ve wondered the same thing. Luckily for them, there’s football (or any live event). In the era of the DVR and digital downloads, there’s no reason for the average viewer to ever watch a commercial, except during live broadcasts. As bizarre as it sounds, I almost feel compelled to watch as much live television as possible, if for no other reason than to know I’m slightly making up for all of the programming I’ve essentially watched for free over the past year (even if that means finding myself singing John Mellencamp’s “This is Our Country” while washing dishes).

God, it’s good to be back.