MagneticMediaFed

Funny story: On most week nights I work until about eleven o’clock at night. This, obviously, is problematic when it comes to watching primetime network television. Luckily, I don’t live in the 1970s and there are devices that let you record television onto various forms of magnetic media [eh-hem]. Needless to say, I had the EPIC two-hour finale recorded securely on my DVR ready for me once I came home.

Now, I wasn’t going to actually watch the whole thing, but I certainly planned on fast-forwarding it on one of the slower speeds so that I could at least see what was happening. I was able to deduce the following: Blake and Jordin performed about fifty times, the other American Idols performed about twenty times, they performed together in various combinations and permutations about sixty times. There seemed to be some sort of awards show/parade of delusion so that we could all laugh at the freaks one more time before the long hiatus. Some famous people, like Tony Bennett, sang songs and reminded us why we like to buy albums from actual professionals. There’s more, which I’ll detail after the jump…

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Never underestimate the texting power of 12-year-old girls. Remember Blake’s maddening performance two-weeks ago when he almost beat-boxed himself right off the show? Well now he’s in the finals. Are you happy America? I am. Why? Because I hated Melinda and all of her aw-shucks, I’m so lucky fakery. She was the best singer by light years in this competition — act like it!

Melinda also looked like she was 47 years old. Not that that’s a bad thing, but my girl Jordin is only 17 and we’re trying to crown a pop-icon. No one was going to buy Melinda’s records except Melinda and Tony Bennett. Honestly, I don’t see Jordin having much marketability either, but at least she’s personality-plus.

The biggest irony in all of this nonsense is that Blake will make more money and have a bigger career than anyone this season win or lose (even bigger than most of the previous winners… Taylor). Why? Because L.L. Blake. He’s got the look (or as Dirk Diggler puts it, “The touch!”).

Prediction for next week: Jordin wins on height alone.

Four out of five dentists agree!

Looks like I’ll continue to watch Idol since Jordin made it through her horrible performance on Tuesday’s show. Early prediction: top three are all female, and Jordin ends up winning over Melinda.

As for the rest of the results show, Seacrest and Cowell totally wanted to make out in the early goings. What was up with that seriously hostile back and forth? Also curious: Simon’s freakishly perfect teeth. It’s like his teeth were drawn in by Tex Avery. They’re perfectly straight and don’t seem to even have lines signifying where one tooth ends and the other begins.

“It was just so bizarrely dreadful.”

Of the top six, there was only one performance that was actually bad. Unfortunately, that performance was from my girl Jordin. Her rendition of “Livin on a Prayer” was like karaoke amongst a group of secretaries on ladies/taco night at a Dayton watering hole. This is not good as Jordin has about 40% more talent in most cases than everyone who is not Melinda and 87% more personality than everyone including Melinda (and Seacrest).

I’m hoping that last week’s voting helps carry her through to next week. I would make the argument that she’s not a rock girl and that we should just give her a break, but Melinda was able to knock her song out of the park and until this week had yet to sing anything recorded after 1910 over the course of this whole damn competition.

Based on this week only, Jordin should be in trouble, though I suspect the massive number of votes from “Idol Gives Back” will mostly harm Chris and LaKisha (though the creepy looking Phil should really be the one to go).

If Jordin goes, I’m done with the show. I mean, what’s the point in watching if you have actual hatred for everyone else participating?

I wonder why one of these people is crying?

It’s kind of hard to slam a show trying to do good, but I’m going to try anyway. Though I must add that I did not watch the show in its entirety — did anyone?

First, the telethon. I watched the following segments: Jack Black, Ben Stiller, Annie Lennox, that Stayin’ Alive montage, the creepy Elvis duet, most of what Ellen said, and a few of the Africa Packages. The show seemed kind of bumpy, but I guess if you’re trying to produce The Great American Live Television Event! there will be bumps. I’m not saying that every segment did or didn’t work, but from the moments I watched I did get the feeling that the show seemed far more tolerable than, say, an awards show. Perhaps that’s because the congratulatory attitude was slightly off-set by the general do-gooderness of it all.

Speaking of do-goodery, did it trouble anyone else that someone like Ellen DeGeneres was able to donate $100,000 and that an enormous media company like News Corp. was only giving $5 million. I know, I know, that $5 million is money that the recognized charities didn’t have on Monday, but still the amount of advertising the company has raked in since this show (let alone other shows and media properties) debuted is likely astronomical. Capping your audience match at $5 million just comes off as cheap — or maybe Warren Buffet has ruined charity for everyone. What’s that? You’re giving $5 million, oh well I’m giving $5 billion… Yeah, with a B.

Second the elimination. Look, I think we can all agree that NOT eliminating anyone was about as surprising as a Cheney heart-attack, but the fact that they actually made poor Jordan, who was hands down the best on Tuesday, actually cry is without a doubt one of the crueler tricks the show has ever played. What made it so much worse was that Chris had a mic in his hand the whole time making us think that they were running low on time and that he was going to have to start singing his closing song as soon as the results were known — at least that’s how I read the situation (so I guess the non-elimination was maybe kind of surprising).

Still, why torture Jordan? Especially on a night that was suppose to be uplifting.

Did anyone watch the whole thing? The money goes here.

Sanjaya started out this season as awful. Then he became funny. Then he embraced his awfulness and started to become kind of likable. Then he became, shockingly, kind of good. Well last night all of that crashed to the ground. Sanjaya is a funny punchline, but if you’re actually watching the show he represents 4 minutes of completely unwatchable madness.

Look, he’s always been a train wreck, and for a while it was mostly whimsical, but this week it was just too much. Sanjaya has got to go.

Does that make me a spoil sport? Does this mean I’ve lost my ironic-detachment? Does this mean American Idol has sneakily lured me in, fed me candy, and then sucker-punched me into near-legitimate-fandom? YES. I am now an American Idol fan. Not in a funny way, or a cool way, but in the same way as the other 30 million other Americans.

Damn you Idol.

Sanjaya, out.

I am alienesque. How do I keep skating through?

The real item that needs to be addressed is why does a results show — any results show — have to be an hour long? There was a great comment made on Best Week Ever last Friday by Christian Finnegan (I think it was Christian Finnegan) saying that these results shows should be like the lottery and just announced in a 30-second production before the local news starts.

Very true.

Of course, when a series is getting 30 million people to tune in every airing, its understandable they might want to milk it a bit. But do we really need Seacrest out on the street “talkin’ to the folks” or a comedy segment in which the judges berate Tony Bennett (does most of the Idol audience even know who Tony Bennett is?).

Though strangely, I actually don’t mind the expected drawing out of the “You’re safe/you’re not” eliminations.

Can I ask you a question?

Originally this post was going to be kind of crude and focus mainly on how Haley is getting by based on her, *cough* non-vocal assets. Then I read Alan Sepinwall’s Idol wrap-up and realized I missed the highlight of the night: Michael Bublé.

Subbing for a flu-ridden Tony Bennett, Michael Bublé came out as the musical performance and basically stumbled his way through the entire C block, culminating with the following exchange between himself and host/tool Ryan Seacrest:

Bublé: Can I ask you a question before I go?
Seacrest: Um, sure I think we have time.
Bublé: Am I wasting my votes by still voting for Antonella Barba?

Ba-Dum-Bum!

How awesome is that? What’s so perfect about this exchange, aside from the out-of-left-field nature to the whole thing is I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHO THE F@&K MICHAEL BUBLE IS or WHY HE WAS ALLOWED TO SING ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!

Otherwise Gina is out and Haley stayed. They both cried.

Listen to “You Don’t Know Me” by Michael Bublé (whoever the hell that is)

Wait a minute, is it funny to call a guy with curly hair Curly, or is it only funny to call a bald guy Curly? And while I’m on the subject, why Curly? Why not Buzzy or Shoulder-Lengthy or Bee-Hivey or Kinda-Wavy-but-Short-and-With-Frosted-Tipsy? It’s odd.

Either way Chris Sligh isn’t on the show anymore. Anyone have a problem with that?

Viva Jordin Sparks! (Best. Name. Ever. It’s catchy and suggests that she is made of frayed cabling).

Last night there was a vicious battle on the networks. Years from now competition scholars will look back at the past four-hundred years of human achievement and several key moments in our competitive evolution will stand out: Frazier/Ali, The Miracle on Ice, the 2004 ALCS, and last night’s American Idol/Dancing with the Stars showdown.

Yes, Idol and Stars went head to head like two rabid cougars fighting over an elk carcass. It was bloody, but the gore wasn’t visible on television, instead it could be found in the network board rooms.

First of all, no one is going to say that Dancing with the Stars is even remotely as culturally significant as Idol, though it’s hard to deny it isn’t popular. Viewers are tuning in. Lots of them. What’s curious is Idol seemed to have taken this added excitement as a personal threat (though its numbers haven’t wavered the slightest from its nearby competition), and went on the offense.

American Idol ran one hour and seven minutes last night — seven minutes. That made Idol run right over the beginning of the Dancing With the Stars results show (which was slated to begin at 9:00pm EDT). That takes some onions. That’s like the biggest bully on the playground finding the next biggest kid and kicking the sh!t of him in front of his friends as a warning to anyone who might have had ideas of their own glory.

The story doesn’t end there. When I pulled up Dancing on my DVR a lower-third flashed on the screen. It read: Live results show starts in FOUR minutes. Touché, ABC. Touché.

By the time the titles ran on ABC, the clock read 9:08pm. One full minute after American Idol had ended.

Advantage: ABC.

As for the show itself, which I had never watched before, it might have been the most padded hour of television I’d ever seen, and by the time the first couple was voted off I realized I had absolutely no idea who these people were. Paulina… Alec… which one was the celebrity?

Still, the show has enough eye-candy for me to understand whatever ratings it generates.

Idol was Idol. Go… um… Jordin Sparks(?) — best name ever, btw.

As soon as the final twelve contestants were picked I decided that Stephanie Edwards was going to win this competition. She doesn’t have the unrelenting talent of Melinda, but I’m coming around to Tony Kornheiser’s theory that Ms. Doolittle is the A-Rod of Idol this season as her aww-shucks attitude will start to turn people off as the weeks wear down. That was when the gorgeous and stylish Stephanie was going to sneak in and take command.

But its hard for that to happen when she gets bumped three weeks into the competition.

Now I’m stuck watching this show without someone for which to root. I’d like to take this time to open up the comments to suggestions on a new contestant to support. One caveat: I refuse to root for any of the guys except for Chris Slight.

Completely off the subject, though absolutely necessary to address, is Seacrest’s decision to wear TWO microphones — one on each lapel. Given the fact that putting microphones on lapels is actually a major facet of my day-job, I’m led to think that the reasoning is thus: one is a live mic and one is a backup mic since the production is being broadcast LIVE. Or, both mics are live and they’re mixing them into stereo. Now, the typical process for dressing mics in either fashion involves having both fastened to the same clip on the same lapel. Maybe the pros over at FOX know something I do not, but frankly it just makes Seacrest look more like a child in a harness. If anyone knows more about this, let me know.

Elsewhere, I’m glad that Brad Garrett was able to make an appearance on last night’s show reminding the FOX viewers that prior to last Thursday his top 15 sitcom ‘Til Death was ranked 125th.

And finally, true or false: 75% of the Idol audience still had no idea who Peter Noone or Lulu were after the episode came to a close.

Listen to “I’m Into Something Good” by Herman’s Hermits

Dude, nice beads.

The problems with watching American Idol if your name happens to be Rick Pecoraro are two-fold: 1) You don’t particularly like the show. Sure, it has its moments, but basically its hard to get past the fact that its a show based on the competitive singing of mostly horrible and/or overplayed songs. And 2) you don’t listen to popular radio and so you don’t have much of a stake in what it will be overplaying come the fall.

That being said, it’s hard to deny a cultural force of this magnitude, so I try to follow as closely as I can before the show starts to chafe.

After watching tonight’s results show here are my conclusions:

1. Both Brandon Rogers and Sanjaya Malakar clearly expected to get the boot. Brandon was a very cool and very gracious loser. Sanjaya, on the other hand, almost seemed shattered by the notion of having to continue in this public mockery for yet another week.
2. Stephanie Edwards is incredibly good looking. She also happens to be my pick to win (despite having what most of us would consider an off-week).
3. The longer Melinda Doolittle CRUSHES the competition the higher her odds are of getting the boot. It won’t be anytime soon because, well, she’s too damn good and the guys — good lord the guys — are so incredibly awful, but I could see it happening in one of the final weeks. People like an underdog (or someone who drips personality — Melinda is a great talent but she might not have the whole package, which is how my Stephanie will sneak in and take the crown).
4. I’m putting the odds of each guy being dropped one-by-one at 67%

Read about Simon and Ryan getting all catty via Access Hollywood

I’ve been trying to figure out how I’m going to write about American Idol for the next three months. The current problem, as I see it, is the basic fact that I don’t particularly like the show, and yet it’s such a cultural phenomenon (dominating not just the television industry, but dominating the record charts the following fall) how can I honestly avoid it any longer? Though the other side of the coin could be that I had yet to see anyone on the show who was really really good… until last night.

The very first performer in the girl’s group was Stephanie Edwards. She is going to win American Idol. I know this because Tyler knows this.

Sure, you could argue that I know nothing of the voting process or what it is people look for in their American Idols, or even the fact that I barely watched anyone else on last night’s two-hour marathon of song. You could indeed argue those points. The difference is I think Stephanie and I had a connection via the airwaves. She may not know me per se, but she certainly can feel our mental and emotional connection and said connection will subconsciously cause people all over this country of ours to vote for her and she will win.

Whoooooooooooo!

Comments on last night’s television selections coming up after the jump…

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I probably should have kept from posting about “Cringe TV” until after I sampled a bit of American Idol (the most popular show in these here United States!). Even though tonight was the first time I had ever watched an entire episode of the program, I’m familiar with the show’s format. Once you get to the meat of the competition its basically an epic, televised talent show. What’s curious is that the first few weeks are dedicated to the whittling down of thousands upon thousands of entrants (all who just wanna be famous) trying to get down to a more manageable number of people who will eventually be judged on… singing ability?… something. Either way, the early show isn’t the same as the later show.

Tonight I tuned in to the American Idol premiere, comprised exclusively of auditions. Honestly, it was a mostly entertaining experience, but anyone who watches this part of the show twice a week in its entirety for the better part of a month is clinically insane. That is a person who needs to be locked up as a danger to themselves and to others. As for me, I’m not watching Idol again until they lock in the regular contestants. Why? Because the audition level is kind of redundant, incredibly awkward and frankly I just can’t think of that many nursery rhymes that I can hum to myself while rocking back and forth with my head between my knees.

The very first entrant on this, the sixth season, was this girl from the Minneapolis metropolitan area. She worked at Mall of America in a “Glamor Shots.” She’s an American girl raised on promises and all the rest of it. She talks about how it is her dream to be on the show and to be the American Idol. She loves singing and blah blah blah… you get the idea. Well she walks into this room in front of Simon and Paula and Randy and Jewel (for some reason) collects herself and belts out forty seconds of truly horrid singing. This is the part of the show where I was expecting Simon to say something pithy and send her out of the room, but that isn’t what happened. Instead we’re stuck in this room for what seems like ages as the judges slowly destroy this girl before the cameras. The scene just keeps going, and while there are occasional cutaways to the judges, we mostly stay fixed on this girl, watching her as her insides shatter.

It was brutal.

It was also hard to turn away.

I expected the show to parade out a collection of freaks (some of whom I’m convinced are actors) that the judges will talk straight to, telling them they’ll never be singers, and then watching as they storm out of the room screaming, but never in a million episodes would I have guessed that this demographic-encompassing ultra-mainstream talent show would have the balls to be that intense that close to the top of the show.

The rest of the episode was never as good as that first contestant, but it certainly grabbed my attention for the better part of an hour and a half.

It may be cruel and its definitely hard to watch, but you have to admire a show that is willing to beat down the very people who want to grab onto a piece of the dream the show is selling.