“Top Chef” — Chef Overboard
It seems like the last time we had a new episode of Top Chef Planters Cheese Balls were still in production. Needless to say it’s been a long time. Too long. You hear me, Bravo? I’m displeased with your scheduling techniques!
A quick refresher: Tre said he could make a bread pudding in his sleep, then, it turns out, revealed that he had never made bread pudding before and thus was kicked out. There is no excuse for a lousy bread pudding. NONE. It also hurt matters that he took on a ton of responsibility and couldn’t quite live up to the challenge. The full (very full) breakdown after the jump…
Like every episode we start out in the penthouse with the cast discussing Tre’s departure. Luckily for us, no one admitts to becoming really good friends with another housemate thus giving them the kiss of death when it comes time for the judges table. Both Tre and Joey had met such horribly foreshadowed fates over the past two weeks.
At the Quickfire Challenge Padma (who is preposterously attractive and who, here, was wearing some sort of Captain EO-era Michael Jackson sleeveless number) introduces us to guest judge Michael Schwartz – yes, the Michael Schwartz. He brilliantly describes what it takes to make good food in Miami: “It’s got to be fabulous. It has to look great and it has to taste great.†Thanks Michael. Thanks.
After the gang draws knives they are told they have to prepare a meal on only $10 and are limited to shopping at the market only in the aisle that corresponds to the number they picked. Once back from the market there would be 20 minutes to prepare the dish. Wacky? You betcha!
Howie, for example, gets the aisle chalk full of juice and Gatorade and more or less just gives up (which caused Padma to give him the “sad voiceâ€). Ryan grabs a can of SPAM and somehow makes everything work (I have to admit, for SPAM and eggs, it looked kind of awesome). Hung, utilizing the always reliable cereal aisle, makes a magical forest village on a plate (CJ had the best line when he described it as “Candyland meets some sort of dioramaâ€. Dale makes a spicy Mexican breakfast that causes Padma to run for the water. CJ made a decent dish until he accidentally grabbed the salt instead of the sugar. Then it kind of fell apart – and by kind of I mean it was a disaster. At least he was upfront about it.
Brian won – rightfully.
Now for the Elimination Challenge: everyone will be catering a fashion party for 60 people. After hearing this Howie finally says something that isn’t pretentious when he says, “Do I look like I care about fashion? This whole outfit is from Target.†But Howie, Target rocks! The big catch is the $350 limit on spending for the event… total. Yikes.
Brian gets to decide who will be the team leader (kind of a crappy prize, no?). He picks himself.
After the shopping (they spent $349.75), the chefs drove to the party and discovered it was going to be on a boat. CJ’s head was about an inch shy of the ceiling in the galley. Chef Tom’s walkthrough went fine, though he seemed underwhelmed by what was being prepared. Everyone was playing it safe. Howie, was also playing it safe… and smart by not being an asshat and doing his best to be a team player.
The earliest rumblings of trouble came in two forms: 1) Howie made something that literally looked like a tiny poop on a cracker, and 2) Ryan might be a tad passive in the role of leader and could easily face the wrath of the judges if things start to fall apart around him.
When the party finally got underway the boat was packed with models and cool-looking hipster chicks and dudes. As always, some things went over well, some didn’t. The problems were: an initial food shortage, Dale using yogurt instead of cheese, Howie’s ugly cigars, the non-happening mousse, and Ryan’s silly aviator glasses (says I).
Back at the judges table the consensus was that most of the choices were uninspired, and Ryan should have been a better editor. Of course Padma had to use the sad voice to call everyone out to face the panel. There was the expected finger-pointing and the calling-out of dishes that we knew fell flat. The best moment, however came when Colicchio told Hung that his dish was right out of the 80s. This triggered Hung to go into super-defensive mode talking about how all of these classic hors’ doevres had been prepared for three hundred years. This seemed curious as one of the rules for the challenge was an emphasis on the modern. Yes, it’s a time tested dish, but that is precisely what they wanted to avoid. Hung and mild criticism is like taking a sub-machine gun to an overripe watermelon. It was a perfect freak-out.
That chef Schwartz put the screws to Howie asking how he could go from Mr. Integrity during the Quickfire to serving “crap†at the elimination was brilliant. Howie was totally treading water. Honestly, I was pretty shocked with the ferocity the judges went after everyone. Usually in the preparation and actual eating portions of the show we get a better sense of what was good and what was bad, but this time around it was all la-di-da-di-da then you suck and you suck and you suck and you’re cool and you suck… I guess I prefer this format because it makes the television better, but it kind of negated the first thirty minutes of the episode. Perhaps the producers have realized that the fans of the show have started to crack the code. We know what’s coming. This week: not so much.
And then… out of the blue… Howie steps up and decides to shoulder all of the blame, says Ryan is a hero and then removes himself from the competition. Shocking, I know. Things became a hell of a lot more hilarious when Padma promptly tells him he can’t do that – it’s the judges’ decision. The look on Howie’s face after he was told his heroics were worthless was priceless.
At the final decision all the chefs were brought back together (which is new). Casey won — hardly a surprise – though she did walk away with a new MacBook Pro, which is very cool despite the fact that the last thing television needs is more Apple product placement. The big loser should have been Howie regardless of his outburst, and fortunately it was. The downside of course is the fact that he draws controversy like mimes to invisible boxes. The competition may now thrive due to his absence, but the show will inevitably suffer. Eh, what can you do?
